Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Biography

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By way of personal instinct, I have an inherent distaste for grandiose rhetorical statements, which don’t have any substantive dimension to them – Kevin Rudd prime minister

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once – anon

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour – anon

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes – anon

Never complain, never explain personal motto of Kerry Packer – billionaire

A determined soul will do more with a rusty monkey wrench than a loafer will accomplish with all the tools in a machine shop Robert Hughes – art critic and author

Winning needs no explanation, losing has no alibi Greg Baum – journalist

The bigger the hat, the smaller the property – Australian proverb

A champion team will always beat a team of champions – Early Collingwood Magpies teams

Unless you’re willing to have a go, fail miserably, and have another go, success won’t happen Phillip Adams – Left-wing journalist

All our best heroes are losers Richard Glover – radio presenter

Always back the horse named self-interest, son. It’ll be the only one trying – Jack Lang – Labor premier

As a work of art, it reminds me of a long conversation between two drunks – Clive James

I’ve never seen anyone rehabilitated by punishment Henry Lawson – poet

The true Aussie battler and his wife thrust doggedly onwards: starting again, failing again, implacably thrusting towards success. For success, even if it is only the success of knowing that one has tried to the utmost and never surrendered, is the target of every battler Michael Page & Robert Inapen – authors

It’s dead easy to die; it’s the keeping on living that’s hard – Douglas Mawson – Scientist and polar survivor

May as well be here we are as where we are -Australian Aboriginal saying

A Platypus is a duck designed by a committee – anon

Do you know why I have credibility? Because I don’t exude morality Bob Hawke – Prime Minister

It’s no good crying over spilt milk; all we can do is bail up another cow Joseph Chiefley – Prime Minister

It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing people wore – Alex Carey

The twentieth century has been characterized by three developments of great political importance: the growth of democracy, the growth of corporate power, and the growth of corporate propaganda as a means of protecting corporate power against democracy – Alex Carey

Nationalism is both a vital medicine and a dangerous drug Geoffrey Blainey – Historian

When you play test cricket, you don’t give the Englishmen an inch. Play it tough, all the way. Grind them into the dust Don Bradman – Cricket player

It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies Arthur Calwell – Politician

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie – Australian observation

A Man of Business is one who becomes possessed of other people’s money, without bringing himself under the power of the law Marcus Clarke – historian

A man may be a tough, concentrated, successful money-maker and never contribute to his country anything more than a horrible example Robert Menzies – Prime minister

The best way to help the poor is not to become one of them Lang Hancock – mining magnate

Ordinary people need to lead and not sit there and think that governments are going to spoon feed them Ian Kiernan – organiser of Clean up Australia Day

There is nothing so costly to the state as a ruined life Catherine Spence – Social and political reformer, writer and teacher

Shoot straight you bastards. Don’t make a mess of it Harry (Breaker) Morant – executed soldier and poet

The most intense hatreds are not between political parties but within them Phillip Adams – journalist

The difference between a stupid man and a wise one is the stupid man’s inability to calculate the consequences of the action. The same goes for government Brian Penton – journalist

Encourage your people to be committed to a project rather than just involved in it. You know the difference between involvement and commitment don’t you? In a meal of bacon and eggs, the chicken is involved, the pig is committed Richard Pratt – billionaire

Australians will never acquire a national identity until individual Australians acquire identities of their own Patrick White – author

Those who lose dreaming are lost – Australian Aboriginal proverb

Its like the axe that’s had two new blades and three new handles but otherwise is just as it was when grandfather bought it – Australian proverb

The law locks up the man who steals the goose from the common, but leaves the greater criminal loose who steals the common from the goose – convict saying

If I had a donkey What Wouldn’t go, do you think I’d wallop him, oh dear no – convict saying

Why are people so unkind? Kamahl – singer

One gets tired of the role critics are supposed to have in this culture: It’s like being the piano player in a whorehouse; you don’t have any control over the action going on upstairs Robert Hughes – author and critic

Nothing they design ever gets in the way of a work of art Robert Hughes – author and critic

We want to create a sort of linguistic Lourdes, where evil and misfortune are dispelled by a dip in the waters of euphemism Robert Hughes – author and critic

Dog must not steal from dog – convict saying

Such is life Ned Kelly – bushranger

I have outlived that care that curries public favour or dreads the public frown…let the hand of law strike me down if it will, but I ask that my story be heard and considered Ned Kelly – bushranger

If you go out for a big night and by some misadventure you end up in a prison cell, you can count on your best friend to bail you out, but your best mate will be in there besides you ….Australian observation

Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor – Australian observation

There is nothing more Australian than spending time in somebody else’s country – anon

A queer country, so old that as you walk on and on, there’s a feeling comes over you that you are gone back to Genesis – Australian bushman

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Political Funny Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Funny Politics Quotes Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Funny Politics Quotes Biography

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Let me take you back, way back to a time when Australian federal politics wasn’t the sole domain of Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott – two of the most dour, drab and humourless politicians in living memory.
Folks, it’s time to play remember when. It’s time to laugh again.
This is my list of the top ten funniest moments in Australian politics.
The Top Ten Funniest Moments in Australian Politics, starting with:
10. The Hewson GST Birthday Cake meltdown
The 1993 election campaign was the Opposition’s to lose, and as Liberal leader John Hewson did just that. The precise moment when defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory came on Channel Nine’s A Current Affair program when Mike Willesee interviewed Hewson. Willessee asked: “As an example of this, if I buy a birthday cake and GST was in place, do I pay more or less for that birthday cake?” Hewson’s muddled response caused eyes to roll across the length and breadth of the nation. In three short minutes the election was lost.
For some odd reason I have a vision of Hewson rising from his seat and asking his minders, “I think that went well. What do you reckon?”
9. Paul Keating and the Pie Shop
In a corollary episode, Keating decided to make the most of Hewson’s garbled GST explanations. Just days before, Keating had gone to a chemist shop in Brisbane with the media in tow. Keating marched into the chemist shop and the chemist dutifully went through the rows of pharmaceutical and ancillary stock on his shelves. It was a masterstroke. The chemist was genuinely baffled about what would be subject to the tax and what would not.
A stunt like that deserved another, Keating’s minders thought and so another media event was organised, this time in a bakery in Nowra on the NSW south coast. The Labor candidate for Gilmore, Peter Knott was summoned and told to find a pliant bakery owner and give him the drum.
Keating showed up to a media throng, expecting another milk run.
In an instant it became clear that the bakery shop proprietor had not been briefed properly by Knott or that if he had been given the mail, he seemed to have misplaced it. Rather than being deeply confused about Hewson’s GST, the proprietor railed on and on to Keating about payroll tax (which is levied by the states) while the cameras whirred and clicked in the background.
A shocked and angry Keating left the shop in a huff, jumped into his Comm Car and sped away as quickly as he could.
Keating never spoke to Peter Knott again, despite the fact that Knott won Gilmore and was in parliament for the next three years. When Keating referred to Knott at all, he did so only in the third person, calling Knott “the c--- from the pie shop.”
8. A light globe explodes and Bob Hawke thinks he’s about to be assassinated.
In 1986, Prime Minister Bob Hawke held a press conference, musing about uranium mining. “If you left uranium in the ground, it would do nothing for the questions of peace and disarmament. That great mass of the Australian people out there are wise; they are correct.”
A loud bang was then heard. The PM ducked for cover, exclaiming “Jesus Christ”, as he hit the deck. A television light globe had exploded several metres from the PM. Hawke tried to regain his composure but it was clear he thought he’d been in the cross hairs of a sniper’s rifle.
7. Mark Latham shakes John Howard’s hand
In another election losing moment, Opposition leader, Mark Latham stomped his way into a radio station during the 2004 election campaign. Howard had just completed an interview and it was Mark Latham’s turn in the chair. As Howard left the studio, the two men shook hands and Latham, the former front row from the Liverpool Rugby League footy club, grabbed Howard’s hand, shaking it so roughly that I feared he would dislocate Howard’s shoulder.
The footage of the violent episode ran on all news items for days. The electorate was horrified, responding with the resounding cry of “This guy… This is not my kind of guy.”
6. Keating owns Costello
We all know now that Peter Costello didn’t have the bottle to be a political leader. But back in 1994, Keating understood Costello’s frailties better than anyone else. Watch this clip as Costello starts out interjecting loudly but as Keating’s spray goes on, Costello falls silent. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.
5. Kim Beazley and Rove
Australians generally regarded Kim Beazley with affection. He was a cheerful fellow but not prime ministerial material. He was so damned prolix. It could take him 10 minutes just to say hello and for God’s sake, don’t start him on the weather.
On 17 December, 2006, Rove McManus’s wife Belinda Emmett died after a long battle with cancer. The nation mourned with the McManus, touched by his enduring love for his wife.
Beazley weighed in, confusing McManus with George Dubya’s political aid, Karl Rove. “The first thing I want to say is this,” Beazley said in characteristic time wasting fashion. “Today, our thoughts and the thoughts of many, many Australians will be with Karl Rove as he goes through the very sad process of burying his beloved wife.”
Two weeks later, Beazley was dumped as leader in favour of Kevin Rudd and the rest is history.
4. Malcolm Fraser cries on 1983 election night.
It is election night in 1983 and Malcolm Fraser has just lost government. His speech – a charmless oration of the vanquished, ended in tears. Well, not quite tears. Fraser’s crying involved a sort of chewed lip silent whimper. Malcolm Fraser had achieved the impossible. Even his crying seemed somehow arrogant.
I still have it on video and when I’m feeling down, I watch it. It always cheers me up.
3. Howard’s shaky equilibrium
Former Canberra gallery journo, Mike Seccombe described John Howard as the funniest physical comedian in Australia. Seccombe was spot on. Prat falls, stumbles, hilarious sporting moments; John Howard could do it all.
On one occasion, Howard travelled to Townsville in FNQ. He’d popped straight out of the RAAF burner and into an air conditioned Comm Car and off to meet a motley crew of local government dignitaries. He climbed out of the car into the tropical heat and humidity; his glasses fogging up in an instant. Most of us bespectacled folk would stop and wipe the mist from our glasses before moving on but not John Howard. He stumbled blindly forward, shaking the hands of unseen people before stumbling in what he thought was the right direction. It wasn’t. A polite middle aged woman, gently grabbed Howard by the arm and showed him the right way.
As a political comic, Howard was more god than man. I miss him so much.
2. Downer’s Things that Batter 1994
As Liberal leader, Downer initially attracted record levels of public support. He was a fresh-faced youngster and people warmed to him. However, a series of ugly gaffes saw Downer’s public approval plummet. He saved the best to last with the “Things that Batter” speech. Addressing the NSW Liberal faithful one Friday evening, Downer got to work promoting his much vaunted “Things that Matter” spiel.
He started off with a joke, saying that the footwear industry might call it “The Thongs that Matter”. Laughter all around. Feeling he was on a roll, Downer moved on to another joke, declaring abusive, violent husbands might refer to his policy as “The Things that Batter”.
I’ve worked a few rooms in my time but I’ve never seen a room so quickly fall in to shocked, hostile silence. The outrage was palpable. I can still remember then NSW Liberal leader Kerry Chikarovski’s angry face. She wasn’t on her own. If looks could kill, Downer would have been stillborn retrospectively.
Afterwards, Downer burst into tears in front of the media. His days as leader were numbered.
It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen but it doesn’t quite take the bacon. The clear winner is:
1. Mark Latham’s Home Hair Cut
On 18 January 2005, Mark Latham resigned as leader of the Labor Party and announced he was leaving public life for good. He had been strangely absent for the previous four weeks. The Asian Tsunami, a dreadful disaster causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people had occurred but still Latham was nowhere to be seen. His deputy, Jenny Macklin did her best but the media demanded to know where Latham was.
We know now that he had been holidaying on the NSW south coast, contemplating his fate. I can only imagine that Latham had let himself go a tad and by the time he had made his decision to leave politics forever, he probably looked like the wild man of Borneo. No matter, he must have thought, I’ll get the clippers out and tidy myself up a bit in front of the mirror.
When Latham emerged from his home in Sydney’s south west and on to the lawn to conduct his presser, his bonce roughly shorn, he looked like a serial killer.
Latham’s hair may have been askew but in every other respect, it was utterly perfect.

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Funny Politics Quotes Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Funny Politics Quotes Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Funny Politics Quotes Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Funny Politics Quotes Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Funny Politics Quotes Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

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Funny Pictures And Jokes Biography

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Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, "Our secretary is so young, pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Rayed instead.

"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: the bad news is that the dna tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene.

Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?.

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol IS NORMAL!

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed.

The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

Counsel: "Are you a qualified pathologist?"

Witness: "Yes."

Counsel: "On 21st June, 2013, do you recall being at Regina Hospital in the evening?"

Witness: "Yes."

Counsel: "And do you recall examining a deceased person called Harold Schindler there at that time?"

Witness: "Yes." Counsel: "Approximately what time did you start the autopsy?"

Witness: "At about 7.30 p.m."

Counsel: "And Mr. Schindler was dead at that time?"

Witness: "No, he was sitting on the table asking why I was doing an autopsy on him."

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court."

Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

The teacher put forward his argument saying, "If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."

Equally brilliant student argued back saying, "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything."

This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.

Ever wondered how a lawyer could write a love letter to his girlfriend? To .....,

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms ......,

1. That I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 7th of August (Wednesday).

2. That with reference to the meeting held between us on the 11th of Aug. at 15:00hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

3. That our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

4. That needless to say and of course, upon completion of probation, I propose that there will be a continuous 'on the job training' and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

5. That I propose that the expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

6. That I further propose that later, based on our mutual performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

7. That however I am broad-minded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

8. That I humbly request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

9. That I wish to add here that I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation.

Please reply if you desire so...

Yours sincerely,

Mr. ...

Adv for y

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

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Funny Pictures Humor Biography

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A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.

Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."

"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."

Santa had saved up a lot of money to buy a car. But when he had required sum, instead of buying a car he brought a buffalo.

"Santa ji you were always saying you wanted a car to drive to the the market. And now you have gone and brought another buffalo. Won't you look ridiculous riding a buffalo to the market?" complained his wife, Jeeto.

Quite unabashed, the Santa replied, "Wouldn't I look more ridiculous trying to milk a Maruti?"

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Rayed instead.

"Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.

Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.

Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"

I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.

Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"

Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !

Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.

And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.

So avoid working so hard !

Have a great work-life balance.

Lastly.....

Height Of Work Pressure:

An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.

An American delegation on a visit to India were being shown round the capital. In the evening they were taken to the Secretariat for a panoramic view of Vijay Chowk and Rajpath. Came the closing hour and thousands upon thousands of clerks poured out of their offices. The place was crammed with bicycles and pedestrians.

"Who are all these peoples?" asked the leader of the American delegation.

"They are the common people of India; the real rulers of the country," proudly replied the minister accompanying the visitors.

A few minutes later came a fleet of flag-bearing limousines escorted by pilots on motorcycles followed by jeeps full of armed policemen.

"And who are these?" asked the American.

"These are us," replied the minister with the same pride, "the servants of the people."

The skipper of a tramp steamer, in writing up the log recording an eventful day, rounded off his task with the entry: "Mate intoxicated."

To the mate, who indignantly protested on reading it, the skipper retorted: "Well, it's true, ain't it?"

On the following day it was the mate's duty to write up the log, and he completed his account with "Skipper sober."

The captain stared at it for a moment, then exploded.

"Well, it's true, ain't it?" was the mate's rejoinder

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हज़ारों आती हैं;
हज़ारों जाती हैं;
हज़ारों हँसाती हैं;
हज़ारों रुलाती हैं;
लेकिन मेरे दोस्त, साथ वही निभाती है;
.
.
.
.
.
.
.मैंने एक दोस्त को दुआ दी कि सदा हँसते मुस्कुराते रहो, आज वो पागलखाने में है।
दूसरे को दुआ दी कि दुनिया तेरे इशारे पर चले, आज वो ट्रैफिक पुलिस में है।
तीसरे को दुआ दी कि तेरी जिंदगी में फूल ही फूल हो, आज वो माली है।
चौथे को दुआ दी कि सदा चमकते रहो, आज उसके सर पर एक भी बाल नही है।
अब दोस्तों आप बताओ आपके लिए क्या दुआ करूं?
आप भी अक्सर कहते हो दुआओं में याद रखना।
गुदगुदी
एक लड़की ने मुझसे पूछा क्या आप WhatsApp चलाते हो?
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मैंने कहा नही ड्राइवर रखा हुआ है।
गुदगुदी
है
स्मार्ट
बहुत
वो
है
भेजा
ने
जिस
और
हूँ
रहा
पढ़
से
नीचे
को
मैसेज
जो
हूँ
पागल
वो
मैं
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क्या हुआ समझ नहीं आया।
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अब मैसेज नीचे से ऊपर की ओर पढ़ो।
नटखट
संता पप्पू को डांटते हुए, "पानी सर से ऊँचा होता जा रहा है।"
अंदर से जीतो जो बाथरूम में टब में नहा रही थी बोली, "जी तुम कहाँ से देख रहे हो? दरवाजा तो बंद है।"
संता बंता
ले गए हैं आप हमें जीवन के उस मुकाम पर; 
गर्व से उठते हैं जहाँ हमारे सिर; 
आप ही ने बनाया हमें इस काबिल 
कि अब तो लगे आसान भी हर मुश्किल। 
शिक्षक दिवस की शुभ कामनायें!
ले गए हैं आप हमें जीवन के उस मुकाम पर;
गर्व से उठते हैं जहाँ हमारे सिर;
आप ही ने बनाया हमें इस काबिल
कि अब तो लगे आसान भी हर मुश्किल।
शिक्षक दिवस की शुभ कामनायें!
शिक्षक दिवस
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दोस्त साथ हो तो रोने में भी शान है; 
दोस्त ना हो तो महफ़िल भी शमशान है; 
सारा खेल दोस्ती का है वरना; 
जनाज़ा और बारात एक समान है।
दोस्त साथ हो तो रोने में भी शान है;
दोस्त ना हो तो महफ़िल भी शमशान है;
सारा खेल दोस्ती का है वरना;
जनाज़ा और बारात एक समान है।
दोस्ती
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ऐसी कौन सी चीज़ है जो धूप में आने पर जलने लगती है और छाँव में आने पर मुरझा जाती है,
और हवा चलने पर मर जाती है?
ऐसी कौन सी चीज़ है जो धूप में आने पर जलने लगती है और छाँव में आने पर मुरझा जाती है, और हवा चलने पर मर जाती है?

पहेली
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ना दूर मुझसे जाया करो, दिल तड़प जाता है; 
हमेशा तेरे ख्यालों में दिन गुज़र जाता है; 
दिल ने एक सवाल पूछा था तुमसे; 
क्या दूर रह कर तुम्हें भी मेरा ख्याल आता है।
ना दूर मुझसे जाया करो, दिल तड़प जाता है;
हमेशा तेरे ख्यालों में दिन गुज़र जाता है;
दिल ने एक सवाल पूछा था तुमसे;
क्या दूर रह कर तुम्हें भी मेरा ख्याल आता है।
दूरियां
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शिवाय विष्णु रुपाय 
शिव रुपाय विष्णवे 
शिवस्य हृदयं विष्णुः 
विष्णोश्च हृदयं शिव:
शिवाय विष्णु रुपाय
शिव रुपाय विष्णवे
शिवस्य हृदयं विष्णुः
जो डोली में आती है और गले पड जाती है।
गुदगुदी
ये आज तक भी अनसुलझा रहस्य है कि
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ये साला WhatsApp पर 1-1 km लम्बे मैसेज बनाता कौन है।
गुदगुदी
मुकदमा हार कर बाहर निकलते हुए व्यक्ति ने अपने विरोधी को चेतावनी दी,
"मैं फैंसले की अपील करूंगा।"
विरोधी: मैं अपील भी लड़ूंगा।
व्यक्ति: मैं सुप्रीम कोर्ट में जाऊंगा।
विरोधी: तुम्हारे स्वागत के लिए मैं वहां भी मौजूद रहूंगा।
व्यक्ति: मैं नरक तक तुम्हारा पीछा नहीं छोड़ूंगा।
विरोधी: कोई बात नहीं वहाँ मेरा वकील जायेगा।
वकील
क्या दूँ तुमको गुरु दक्षिणा, मन ही मन ये सोचूं; 
चुका ना सकूंगा क़र्ज़ तुम्हारा, अगर जीवन भी अपना दे दूँ। 
शिक्षक दिवस की शुभ कामनायें!
क्या दूँ तुमको गुरु दक्षिणा, मन ही मन ये सोचूं;
चुका ना सकूंगा क़र्ज़ तुम्हारा, अगर जीवन भी अपना दे दूँ।
शिक्षक दिवस की शुभ कामनायें!
शिक्षक दिवस
Upload to Facebook
फूलों की सुगंध से सुगंधित हो जीवन तुम्हारा; 
तारों की चमक से चमक जाये जीवन तुम्हारा; 
सजे महफिलें आपके जन्मदिन पर हर साल ऐसी; 
खुशियों से भर जाये घर का आँगन तुम्हारा। 
जन्मदिन मुबारक!
फूलों की सुगंध से सुगंधित हो जीवन तुम्हारा;
तारों की चमक से चमक जाये जीवन तुम्हारा;
सजे महफिलें आपके जन्मदिन पर हर साल ऐसी;
खुशियों से भर जाये घर का आँगन तुम्हारा।
जन्मदिन मुबारक!
जन्म दिन
Upload to Facebook
कान बड़े हैं काया छोटी; 
कोमल-कोमल बाल; 
चौकस इतना पकड़ न पाये कोई; 
बड़ी तेज़ है चाल।
कान बड़े हैं काया छोटी;
कोमल-कोमल बाल;
चौकस इतना पकड़ न पाये कोई;
बड़ी तेज़ है चाल।

पहेली
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यह देखा है हमने खुद को आज़माकर; 
धोखा देते हैं लोग करीब आ कर; 
कहती है दुनिया पर दिल नहीं मानता; 
कि छोड़ जाओगे तुम भी एक दिन अपना बनाकर।
यह देखा है हमने खुद को आज़माकर;
धोखा देते हैं लोग करीब आ कर;
कहती है दुनिया पर दिल नहीं मानता;
कि छोड़ जाओगे तुम भी एक दिन अपना बनाकर।
दर्द
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यह ज़माना क्या सता सकेगा हमको;
इसको हम सताकर दिखलायेंगे;
यह ज़माना क्या झुका सकेगा हमको;
इसको हम झुका कर दिखलायेंगे।
प्रेरणादायक
दूसरों को उतनी जल्दी माफ़ कर दिया करो जितनी जल्दी आप उपरवाले से अपने लिए माफ़ी की उम्मीद रखते हो।
दूसरों को उतनी जल्दी माफ़ कर दिया करो जितनी जल्दी आप उपरवाले से अपने लिए माफ़ी की उम्मीद रखते हो।
अनमोल वचन
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ज़िंदगी कितनी खूबसूरत है? 
यह देखने के लिए हमे ज्यादा दूर जाने की ज़रुरत नहीं है। 
जहाँ हम अपनी आँखें खोल लें, वहीं हम इसे देख सकते हैं। 
सुप्रभात!
ज़िंदगी कितनी खूबसूरत है?
यह देखने के लिए हमे ज्यादा दूर जाने की ज़रुरत नहीं है।
जहाँ हम अपनी आँखें खोल लें, वहीं हम इसे देख सकते हैं।
सुप्रभात!