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Thursday 21 August 2014

Images of Comedy Pictures Funny Political Cartoons Jokes Quotes Pictures Memes Pics Images Photos Pictures

Images of Comedy Pictures Biography

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m on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

Fortune Teller

2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

Doctor

3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'

Alarm clock

4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'

Soup

5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'

Doctor (2)

6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

Dreams

7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

Driver

8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'

Gambling

9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

Music

10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?

Betting

11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time

Jester

12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!

Kangaroo

13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs

Marriage

14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.

Advice

15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

Pork chops

16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

Marriage (2)

17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'

Undertakers

18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down

Doctor (3)

19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.

Sleep

20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.

Put-down

21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either.

Ballet

22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.

Doctor (4)

23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'

Waiter

24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.'

Cannibals

25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'